By Felix Winternitz
Pothole season is now in full swing, as cracked sidewalks and roadways abound in the sizzling summer heat. So what better time to reveal this startling memo we've just unearthed:
From: Larry Lice Stickinthemud
To: All Highway Department Hired Hands
Now that the rumor-mongering Channel 9 eye-teamers and the pond-scum over at the morning
Cincinnati Daily Tattler are finally done taking their potshots at our beloved Queen City Highway
Department, let me tell you the truth, the hole truth and nothing but the truth.
These recent fake news reports have implied our department is less than satisfactory in battling
pothole fever. Yes, it's true that an entire route in Northern Kentucky has been entirely closed to truck
traffic, due to the rampant and raging craters. And yes, Cincinnati commuters are routinely complaining
about their pesky broken axles and annoying punctured wheels.
That said, the good citizens of Cinlandia can rest assured all is well with this annual rite of summer.
The recent repairs and ongoing improvements on our key roadways, undoing the past repairs and
improvements, will soon be followed by Phase 99 of the Strategic Paving Plan, commonly referred to as the Plan Du Jour. In this phase, orange barrels will be randomly scattered along critical lanes, despite the fact there are no accompanying road workers or highway construction equipment in evidence.
Certain vital sections of Interstate 75 will be shut down in order to repaint the dotted white lines. At a later opportunity, we will shut down to repaint the yellow stripes, only to sand off that paint in favor of another shade of yellow, which we probably won't like much either and will remove.
We will continue to pour cement onto Columbia Parkway, only to dig it up and replace it with other concrete pavement that looks pretty much the same.
We will no longer block the I-275 exits with bulldozers for no apparent reason. In the future, we'll use dump-trucks.
Insofar as the precarious roadway situation is constantly in flux, we understand that some residents may encounter difficulty when directing any tourists visiting our fair metropolis.
Be that as it may, we simply cannot condone sarcastic replies to our own-of-town guests. If someone asks, therefore, "Can I drive to Kings Island via Interstate 71?" we feel it totally inappropriate to respond, "Depends. What day is it?" or "I dunno. Let's go check." A better answer would be to simply say, "Odds are, no."
On a related matter, our Director of Utterly Haphazard Precautionary Motorist Measures has recommended that the highway department conduct a survey of commuters and their needs, in order to best spread the blame for our decision-making. We welcome the benefit of your thinking and input, as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already decided to do.
Above all, remember our proud propaganda motto: "We pledge to always do precision guesswork based on unreliable data, supplied by those of questionable knowledge."
And whatever you do, don't ever suggest we're stuck in a rut. Simply call us the potty police.
Your Leader and Grand Poobah
High Crater Command
P.S. In the generous spirit of our reorganization, I'm re-branding myself with a new, improved name change. In future, rather than Larry Lice Stickinthemud, you can now call me HARRY Lice Stickinthemud.